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Our Man Bunter
in the Great Metropolis

A FUEL SUCH AS I... or 'Crisis, wot crisis?!'

OH, aren't people just lemmings? More specifically, aren't car drivers complete lemmings?

"We would urge people not to indulge in panic petrol buying..." - so went the advice from just about everyone in the know the length and breadth of the country recently, as the fantastically amusing petrol crisis deepened.

And so what did motorists do? Surprise, surprise, the not-so intelligent majority decided it would be a really good idea to join the ever-growing queues for the petrol forecourts, only to find (again, surprise, surprise) that the petrol had run out. Doh!

Now, it would be all too easy, being a non-driver through choice, incompetence - and a desire (which has not faded with age) to be able to drink whenever I damn well feel like it - to grow very smug about the position in which many environment polluters suddenly found themselves.

So, I'll waste no more time and do just that, shall I?

In London, as with seemingly every other 'crisis' which befalls our nation, the situation became more intense than elsewhere ('cos we do everything so much better down here, don't you know?), and threatened to become even worse, very quickly.

I, of course, pissed myself laughing so much I nearly fell of my roller skates...

Bunter can imagine few pleasures (well, perhaps one or two) which compete with the prospect of cars being removed from our roads en masse. Is it only me who believes that our country deserves a break from the car? This is a country, I might add, which is graced with only finite space. An obvious point? I think the car fraternity would have us believe the UK is in fact a TARDIS.

And so, like the ghoul that I am, I couldn't wait for the crisis to deepen. Of course at this point, I must state that emergency services must be allowed petrol. With any luck, there will be so much room on our roads, any emergency journeys will be easier than they have been in a generation. Anyway, there wouldn't be so many road traffic accidents, would there?

If readers get the impression that I'm anti-car, well I am. Let me further state that I am also anti-people who cannot seem to imagine life without their metallic womb.

"What must it be like not to have a car?", they ask. "How on Earth will Tarquin/Felicity/Cecil/Joshua be able to traverse the half-mile to school? How on Earth will we get sun-dried tomatoes from Tesco's? How can I live without driving at 50 miles per hour in a 30 zone?"

Well, one can but hope that such shallow, ignorant people have found out the answers to all these questions during the recent events.

And to them all Bunter would wish happy walking, cycling, or, god save us, public transport use. Home, James, and don't spare the horses....Up the revolution!



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